No, you didn’t miss anything, I just didn’t feel like writing.
I did another iui.
My 6th Iui.
Wash U was supposed to call in a new prescription this month, for something other than Clomid.
But when I went to pick it up on a friday night they had not called it in.
Luckily the pharmacy had messed up a couple of months ago and given me a double script, so I had 5 days of 100mg Clomid extra in my cabinet.
I resigned myself to taking another round of Clomid since the dr office was closed until monday and I had to start taking it Saturday.
The clomid was really hard on me, it seems to be hitting me harder each month.
This month I developed a new exciting side effect– Random bruising on my arms and legs.
Of course also the usual side effects, headaches and dizziness.
Clomid is just a barrel of fun.
So I was supposed to get my LH surge on a friday, which would have me going in on saturday for an iui. I stressed and stressed for days about WHAT IF I DON’T SURGE UNTIL SATURDAY. Then I’d be inseminating 2 days after my surge which the Doctors SAY is just as good….
The thing is, I got pregnant once with iui ON the day of my surge, and once the day after. And frozen sperm only lives 12-24 hours.
So, my conclusion is that my body ovulates HARD. Like its later than a normal cycle and when my lh surges it’s all going down baby. Within 24 hours.
So 2 days is too late.
I think.
Probably.
Maybe.
So friday morning comes, no surge. Not even close. Friday afternoon, nada.
Saturday morning, nope.
Saturday evening, oh my gosh, still no but getting close!
Sunday morning BOOYAH.
And that is the story of how I surged 2 days late and didn’t miss my iui this month.
So I go up to WashU on monday at 12, and Crystal is there. I specifically requested her.
The receptionist tells me that I have to pay my $72 balance PLUS a copay of $50 today.
Bitch tried to tell me that I anyways have a copay.
So I work for the insurance, and they have displayed some fraudulent billing practices previously anyway. I flat out told that poor receptionist that if they tried to bill me for an office visit I would TAKE HER DOWN.
After threatening the receptionist, I indignantly looked up my past Bills and proved to me that I don’t pay a copay.
I don’t, btw.
Anyway, I do the iui. And Crystal instructs me to call her on dec.17th with a positive result.
And I told her that was the day before my birthday and I was hoping it WOULD be positive, because BEST BIRTHDAY GIFT EVER.
Crystal tells me that her birthday is ALSO the 18th and she can’t wait to hear this good news.
I leave all warm and fuzzy.
I made it 7 days before testing.
And I made it 8 before I broke down and bought first response tests because I HATE WONDFOS.
I have developed so many unhealthy superstitions and beliefs about my infertility journey.
For instance, I have this thing where I think the earlier I get a positive test the higher my hcg will be and the baby will actually live.
Also, I believe that if I’m optimistic and think it will work that it will not and the only way to get pregnant or stay pregnant is to convince myself that it won’t work out.
I don’t want ANYONE to know if we got pregnant because I believe that if B or I tell anyone we will miscarry.
I can’t buy anything baby related, or pregnancy related or I won’t get pregnant and/or I’ll miscarry.
I can’t pin any baby ideas either, or I won’t get pregnant.
So here I am, 10dpo
My boobs hurt.
I’m exhausted.
I’ve been lightheaded for days.
And my whole ovary/uterus bundle is sore.
And the tests plural, are negative.
So I can pretend I’m not giving up, but in reality I know it’s over.
Even if we get pregnant this late it’d just be another miscarriage.
I actually thought last cycle would work.
It was my second month on clomid, and I anyways got pregnant on the 2nd cycle.
I thought that saying it was my last try would be enough for God to be like “oh, here’s your last second miracle!”
I thought maybe this would be our month…
Because this was the last of my clomid.
And because I was always pregnant on my baby’s due date.
My first baby was due in august 2017, I got pregnant in August 2017.
My second pregnancy was due may 2018, and I got pregnant in April 2018.
My last pregnancy was due in January 2019.
So, maybe next month I guess.
If I can stand to do another round.
xoxo
ME
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