Category: Uncategorized

Yeah yeah,  it might work out and everything might be okay. 

Or it won’t,  whichever.
All we can do is wait.

It occurred to me last night that I’ve been ‘ officially ‘ pregnant for 7 days now.
And 4 of those days I’ve been under enormous stress due to these stupid Beta hcg tests.

I had THREE DAYS of peace.
Three days to be excited.
To tell my family, to start new Pinterest boards and wish lists.
Then the whole world collapsed.

Because my Dr just HAD to know what my hcg level was.
She normally doesnt even request it,  but “because of my history” she just wanted to check.

I waver between hoping everything is okay and resigning myself to another miscarriage.

Im making plans for WHEN this baby dies.
And then I’m pissed at myself for thinking like that.

I’m so sad,  and frustrated, and angry.
I’m frustrated that we are here AGAIN.
I’m angry that dr. T put me in this position with her noseyness.
Im sad because the weight of my hopelessness had smothered any joy I felt.

I stopped pinning baby things.
I resigned my wishlists to “maybe someday”
And now I’m waiting.

Waiting to miscarry.
Waiting to try again.
Waiting to see if “next time” I lose that one too.

Im wondering if there will be a next time or if Ill just never see a heartbeat or feel a flutter.

I sent a message to Dr Ts office, I told her I will not be doing any more betas. Including the one tomorrow.

If I miscarry then I do.
If I don’t then we’ll see the baby on the 26th.

Either way,  Im not going to waste another couple of hundred dollars to continue to be stressed.

xoxo
ME

Surely I’m not the only I’ve who still has  (and uses) my caboodles box from junior high school?

This thing has to be at least 15 years old.
And I cannot bring myself to get rid of it.

Every few years I empty it out, throwing away old makeup that’s busted or dried out or just ugly.

I spend some time polishing the mirror and cleaning all the dust and eyeliner smudges out.

I usually do this about when it gets too full or too dirty to look at, and tonight was one such night.

I was standing at the kitchen sink and thinking about my teenage years,  all the houses this caboodles box was hefted to.

It was with me in my most tumultuous times and the lock still clicks,  the mirror still shines, and the handle is still firmly attached.

This caboodles box went with me when I moved out on my own for the first time,  with a no good guy and then it came home to the safehaven of my dad’s with me one dark night when I rushed to grab everything before the boy came home and I couldn’t get away.

This box saw my tiny bathroom of my first real home away from my parents.
It saw me dancing in front of the bathroom mirror like a loon when Brandon kissed me for the first time.

It joined me on my wedding day, hurriedly writing vows in the bathroom stall.

It kept my makeup securely contained when I moved,  and moved,  and moved.

This box sat on my countertop while I injected meds into my stomach,  my hips,  and my tush.

It bore witness to the pregnancy test turning positive,  as I sobbed gratefully into my husbands shoulder.

And it stood guard as I cried less grateful tears a few days later.

This caboodles box has seen me go from an insecure bubbly teenager to an insecure anxious woman.

The makeup may have changed,  going from NYC and wet and wild to lipsense and Revlon, but the contents are the same.

The insides of this box tell the story of a woman who tries so hard to be more,  I’d like to think it will be there when she succeeds.

xoxo
ME

7dp3dt.

One week down, one to go!
I cannot believe my 2ww is half over!

I was laying down for bed last night and realized that today I would be 7 days in.
Craziness!

So far I’ve pretty much kept my mind off of things.
Tuesday I had some cramping, which hopefully was a good thing since that was when implantation was supposed to be starting.

But other than that I’ve had no “symptoms”
Not even ovary pains or progesterone symptoms.
Just nothing.

Last night I had the most beautiful dream that I was pregnant.
Usually when I dream this I’m like about to pop pregnant,  but in my dream last night I was maybe 16-20 weeks.
I had this tiny, perfect bump.
And I was SO happy.

I was going to get  weighed And measured and I was really wanting to get a photo to send my husband.
I was just so excited at this tiny progress and couldn’t wait to watch it grow.

I loved that dream ❤

Unfortunately,  I had to wake up and go to work.
Blergh.

On lunch I decided to go see what kind/if any symptoms  I was feeling 7 days in on my last cycle.
And I had had cramping/nausea/spotting the works.

Not sure what that means that I don’t feel anything this cycle.

So I panicked, I googled.
And the first thing that came up was a chick asking about sore boobies.

Oh my gosh,  I don’t  even have sore boobies.

So I’m a bit blue,  every dang call it seems like at work is maternity related today.

I went to break and was peeing watching this video of a family of  kids all dancing and they all pause to do the “mannequin challenge” and I noticed one of them is pointing with both hands to her shirt.

It says “bumps first christmas”.
I’ve looked at that same shirt on etsy.

And I just broke down and started bawling.
Because the other day when I told Brandon we could go to game stop in St Louis when we go up there for our first ultrasound on December 30th I said it, and I wanted to believe it, but I didn’t actually believe it.

I’m still struggling really hard to stay positive, but I have my moments when it hits me like a ton of bricks that if this cycle doesn’t work we aren’t going to be pregnant.

At least for a year, probably more.
And there’s a chance that the answer is “maybe never”.

And it just breaks my heart.
But for today I’m still pregnant.
And tomorrow I will be too.

xoxo
ME

Didn’t see this coming. 

So I slept awful last night,  just AWFUL.
It was one of those nights where I slept just so lightly that I’d wake up every 20 minutes or so (ok, Probably not, but it felt like it)

So I got a groggy start.
Ew. Mondays are lame.

I also left late,  and took too long at the gas station.

Oh and there was rain again today.
Not an onslaught,  but enough that my trip was slowed on the way there.

It was actually kind-of funny because as it started to sprinkle Jodee Messina’s “bring on the rain” came on my iPad.
Then that was followed by Jack Johnson “banana pancakes”

So I had some nice rain theme music.

I got to the office RIGHT at 7:30am.
And every parking spot was full.
I’m not even exaggerating.
The ENTIRE waiting room was full,  and there was a line of ladies waiting to check in all the way to the door.

Wow.

Got my HooHa pictures, and have grown a few more follicles.
I now have 10 on my left ovary and 4 on my right.
My leading follicle is 16.5mm.

So I started off for home,  some asshole almost ran me of the interstate by merging directly in my lane on top of me to avoid entering the intestate behind a semi for 35 seconds.

Turns out, my horn works pretty well.
And so does my middle finger.

I ended up getting home,  exhausted,  about 9:45am. And I chucked it in the fuckit bucket and took a nap…..which caused me to clock in 3.5 hours late. Oops?

I worked SO hard last week to have ot to cover this week’s absences,  only to ruin it on MONDAY.

So I knew I’d be going back for more monitoring,  that there’d be one more monitoring day at least I’ll have to work over to make up.

But I didn’t think it’d be tomorrow.
Yes, tomorrow.

I got a call right around noon to let me know my Estradiol level is at 1635. My follicles are ALMOST there.

Tonight I’m to take my exact same dose of Menopur and follistim and my Lupron of course, and I’m to report for ultrasound and bloodwork tomorrow morning at 7:30.

Evaluating me for a POSSIBLE TRIGGER .
Wooohooooo
I thought I’d have to wait until Friday,  so I’m cool with that.

Crossing my fingers that my follicles look fantastic tomorrow.

In the mean time, I possibly just mixed my LAST vial of Menopur.

xoxo
ME

Oops. It’s Saturday night already…..

So, yesterday I woke up at 4:30am.
I drove to st louis,  and I got to SEE my ovaries for the first time since baseline.

Good news, I have 10 follicles!
It’s more than zero,  and less than 32.
Woohooooooooooo

I so far have 7 follicles on my left ovary and 3 on my right.
All under 11mm.
I’m happy with that,  with the way my ovaries have been pinching I was worried about bit that I’d have a  million useless follies.

When Crystal called me Friday afternoon I got some unexpected instructions.
My dosages of drugs are all the same, and I DID NOT have to go on today for monitoring.

Best news ever?
On one hand I’m thrilled that I didn’t have to be up this morning at 4am, and since my mom and I didn’t go to Chicago today I’m even more thrilled that I didn’t have to spend a legit 13 hours in the car.

On the other hand, that probably means I’m nowhere near trigger.
So I’m guessing I’ll get news on Monday that they are doubling my menopur,  and then I predict a Wednesday trigger for a Friday retrieval.

That would honestly be great,  so I could rest Saturday and Sunday instead of having to work the day after retrieval.

I’m slightly,  SLIGHTLY bummed that it looks like my retrieval is going to be further away. But mostly just because I’m sick of giving myself injections.

Friday night I had to pretend I was pooping in order to get away from my mom long enough to administer my shots without telling her what I was doing.
We’re so close,  so close to an end to sneaking around.

Once compete I can finally breathe easier,  without constantly having to worry about accidently letting my family know my secret.

Less than a week to go, hopefully this is our last cycle.
I’m praying for 8 healthy embryos and a 5 day transfer.
We shall see!

xoxo
ME

Two more days of needles, and an ultrasound appointment yippee.

Monitoring visit #1 complete. 

Well I guess it’s not complete, I obviously have not gotten my results yet from my labs.
Its 10:37 a.m. and then I am on my first break at work. I got home at 10 after 9 and tried to take like a 30-minute nap.

Today was yet another day where my superstitions are making me think maybe I should cancel this cycle and stop right now.

My trip there this morning was plagued with extremely thick fog.

But still, I managed to make it there at 4 minutes until 7 a.m.!

And then I have the joy of waiting in the waiting room because the phlebotomist were not there yet.

And when they did get there, they were having a problem with their printer in the office. I don’t know if you know this or not, but when the office printer will only drop paper from the second tray that completely incapacitates the office and negates your ability to draw someone’s blood… even someone who already has their blood order printed out.

It’s anarchy.

At 7:25 they finally brought me back and drew my blood so that I could be on my way around 7:35 a.m.

I didn’t have to have a wand stuffed up my vagina today though, so I guess that was good.

Now I am just settling in for the long wait until this afternoon when they call me to update my meds.

Fun fun fun.

xoxo
ME

******update *******
At 1:46 pm Mary from Dr Odem’s office called with further instruction.

My Estradiol level has risen to 54

“We want to speed things up just a little bit faster”

So as of today I am on 20 units of Lupron, 150 units Follistim,  and 75 units Menopur.

*sigh*

I just really hate Menopur.
It burns,  and it makes a whole host of uncomfortable symptoms start.

So here I am, Stimulation day 4.
Already starting the meds that will make me swell up like a pregnant person.

Still not pregnant though,  lest we forget.
And I’m stress eating,  which is NOT helping.

Super stressed since I realized yesterday that I only have 3 hours and 12 minutes of pto left.
So now I’m trying to figure out how I can work after hours to make sure my pay is not affected

Also,  I’m through my first vial of Follistim completely (so I will run out, which is inconvenient.) Hopefully they aren’t as uptight about ordering me drugs before I run out as they were about authorizing my fmla for longer than the exact amount of time of this cycle.

And it’s freaking me out that Dr Odems office apparently doesn’t use ultrasounds in the monitoring.  They solely rely on estrogen level.
Which could be disastrous,  because my estrogen level will rise if I make 50 follicles and we would still not have anything worth retrieving.

So Wednesday I go back for blood work only and I’ll let you know where we are from there.

Red is definitely not my color. 

But bless your heart,  you seemed to think it was yours judging by the kitchen walls, my office wall, and the basement floor.

In fact I found your THREE gallons of red paint you stowed away for a rainy day…..in case they stopped making red???

And brown, dear God you love the color brown.

It’s nice that the entire house is so uniform, it means that I get to redo EVERY room to rid of the brown and red you so adore.

I really appreciated you leaving me those three bags full of empty bags and that huge box full of boxes. I’m sure they will come in handy, unike your wrapping paper collection which spans a couple of generations.

Really though,  what made you FINALLY let that go?

It’s nice that I have so much companionship though in your house,  what with the huge black cochroaches in the kitchen and the various spiders in the basement.

When I was sweeping what was probably 3 years of cat litter dust off the floor I hit a Web and came face to face with a spider who was barely smaller than a Buick.

I couldnt tell what kind of spider he was, angry is my best guess.
Hopefully aragog doesnt decide he’s hungry enough to ingest any of my pets.

Also, is your son feeling drafty? Because I found two pairs of his underwear under the dryer. I didn’t feel very maternal picking them up either, in fact, it made me feel really awkward holding a little boys (hopefully) clean underwear alone in a dimly lit basement.

No wonder that reciepts I found had only two purchases on it. Detergent, and candy. The basement laundry makes me feel sad too.

Really though, I feel like you had my best interests in mind with your home decor ideas.
I mean, how simple to change the linoleum in the bathroom when it’s not even glued down AT ALL!!! genius.

And the pool, you sure did save us some hassle of swimming these last two weeks while we were trying to clear it up.  You silly bird, the pool guy said that pump has likely not worked for months!
 But since it’s not secured down or even filled with sand it will be super easy to change out!

I guess what I’m trying to say here is, thanks.
And I hope you choke you filthy whore.

xoxo
The NEW homeowners

Idk, I never remember this stuff on throwback Thursday,  so this is what you get.

Brandon and I are officially homeowners!
We closed on our first home on Monday August 22nd.

On Thursday we had the electricity in the garage stop working.
On Friday someone broke into our fenced backyard and stole our bbq grill and a BRAND NEW outdoor yard game I’d bought for the family to play on moving day.
On Saturday we found out that our bedroom is neither drywall or paneling,  just cardboard and wallpaper over wood slat walls.
On Sunday we found out that the pool pump may need replaced as it is just spitting sand and gunk back into the pool.
And today we found out that the pool pump is broken internally and has to be replaced in entirety.
Oh and Brandon started a new job, and today he found out that he may have to work on moving day.

So, I may be asking my family to help me move and not really being able to hold my own because I’m fat and out of shape.
Then they cannot even swim and eat yummy grilled food because the grill dude isn’t going to be there and my “pool” is more of anew above ground pond at this point.

It hasn’t been a smooth start to say the least.
I’m a tad stressed.

But I’m sure all our problems will have quick,if not expensive, solutions.
And EVENTUALLY we will have some peace and MAYBE even get to enjoy owning our own home.

Eventually.

Anyway,  on a lighter note I was packing a bit of my office/disaster craft hole up and found this list from when Brandon and I rented this TINY TINY apartment and the walls were not even remotely insulated.

This is a list I put together one day of “things my neighbor MIGHT be doing “

1.teaching an ostrich to flaminco
2.playing wii sumo masters
3.wrestling a greased piglet
4.having a seizure while wearing full armor
5.totally winning at “King of the mountain”
6.learning to ride a unicycle
7.juggling cannonballs

And she must’ve quieted down because that’s where my list ends.

So, although I am stressed beyond stress right now I’m counting on one day experiencing the bliss of a space all my own and counting my lucky stars I’ll never have to write a list like that one again.

Prayers and margaritas are welcome until then.

xoxo
ME

This is going to be a long week.

So 5dp3dt today.
Feeling okay,  a little lightheaded from time to time, which could be from all the hormones.

  Keep in mind I still get a shot in the butt every night of progesterone which has a bad reputation for period like side effects

And I’m on 2mg twice daily of estradiol , which is given to menopausal women and is just extra estrogen to make me feel crazy.

So definitely my “symptoms” can all be attributed to meds.

I woke up today feeling like I was getting sick,  sore throat and headache.  Add in feeling tired like I didn’t sleep well and periodic nausea and I’ve been fun today.

I have had cramping today too,  and is hard to explain but it feels DIFFERENT somehow.
More centered in my uterus.

Last cycle I got excited about the super sharp pains I was feeling post transfer,  thinking maybe it was implantation.

But I remember the timing being wrong per the chart I shared a few days ago,  and those pains were SHARP and on my sides.
Those were definitely ovary pains.

Apparently when the Dr drains your follicles at retrieval,  the little bastards full back up with fluid so that they can burst in dramatic fashion and make you cry.

Anywho,  I’ve had some ovary pains.
But today I’ve just had a dull ache in my lower abdomen.  I sincerely hope it is implantation,  I hope I hope I hope.

But that’s all I can do,  Hope.
And wait.

xoxo
ME